Just a place where I can put my mind at ease


Song: Nat King Cole - Smile

So yeah, it's been a rough couple of months.
However, the most important part of the past 6 months is that I've actually managed to get through my first semester in over 5 years, and to be honest, I wasn't sure I'd make it. Even mom was surprised that it wasn't harder for me.
Mind you, out of 2.5 classes, I almost failed one of them, and that teacher has now singled me out among 60+ students as a bad seed.
So, not much has changed since high school I suppose.
Anyway, things have slowly been tearing at the seams for quite a while, and we all know what I do whn the world is being dumb? Yup, I sleep.
So, with my father talking to me and not my mom, I'm stuck in the uncomfortable position of being a "buffer". It's all ... I don't know, sort of contrived. We talk so super-nicely together, but neither one of us believes it, and the whole charade is exhausting.
He put us in a position where I could have this conversation with someone:

Person: So, how did your family celebrate the holidays?
Me: The "family" isn't really celebrating, dad left on christmas eve.
Person: Oh? Where to?
Me. Don't know.
Person: When will he be coming home?
Me: Don't know.
Person:...WILL he be coming home?
Me:...Don't know...

I mean COME ON, that's a shitty thing to put your family through, no matter how much you "hate" them. (I honestly don't know how that man feels about us, but I'm not sure "hate" is the right word)

Mom and I went through his computer room and found tickets to a fantastic hotel in sunny Lanzarote. The guy spent over $700 to get away from us. And didn't even get me a christmas present (though that isn't really anything new)

So in the buildup to this the tensions have been flaring at my house with a sort of passive-agressive state of "I can ignore you more than you can ignore me"
And it's tearing my mother to bits, she's at a crossroad in her life and I know she feels the pressure of making an important choice. But damn it, I'm tired of this.

Anyway, during this time I've slept. ALOT. Cancelling every kind of social gathering I was invited to. People have gotten quite sick of it, and honestly, I don't blame them. I would get sick of me too if I didn't know that I had some personal issues to deal with.
But yeah, I haven't really heard from any friends in this period. And I don't want to do the whole damage control just yet, because it's not over. So I'll just try to ride it out and see what happens.

My exams went well but the whole process up until the second time we stepped into the examination room left me quite drained.
I did so much work, and was so unreliable in showing up that I not only exhausted myself, I also emotionally drained my partner. I let her tell me exactly how she felt after we were done. She needed to get it off her chest, and I didn't really see the harm in it because I knew pretty much what she was going to say.
Unreliable, careless, wouldn't work with me again unless something changed etc etc. I didn't really expect the word "disrespectful",  but I suppose I was being disrespectful in some form.
Thing is, and we both know it, my hard work and quick thinking got us the final grade. I usually try to make up for my shortcomings, but I understand that this isn't necessarily as visible to others as it is for me.
I try not to let it bother me, telling myself that things will fix themselves in time, but yeah...
School starts in 2 days, and I've been completely isolated in the livingroom with my mom for the past week and a half. We occupied that room and wouldn't leave. We have it 'till friday when dad comes home. (Yes, he has been wonderful in text messages etc.)
I have no idea how school is gonna go. I haven't really been able to reload my batteries because I know that a heapload of shit awaits. However, I feel confident that I can pull of another semester, turns out I actually like studying to become a teacher. Go fig.


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